Fwd: Direct dispatch from London

From: Alain LaBonté  (alb@riq.qc.ca)
Date: Thu Nov 30 2000 - 10:50:03 EST

Actual author unknown (anonymous)...


>To the citizens of the United States of America,
>In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus
>to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
>independence, effective today.
>Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties
>over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah,
>which she does not fancy.
>Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of
>you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your
>borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for
>further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
>questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of
>To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
>rules are introduced with immediate effect:
>1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
> Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be
>amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you
>should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up vocabulary".
>Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such
>as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
>communication. Look up "interspersed".
>2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
>your behalf.
>3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
>It really isn't that hard.
>4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
>good guys.
>5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
>Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you
>to get confused and give up half way through.
>6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind
>of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good
>game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your
>borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You
>will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper
>football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It
>is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed
>to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not
>involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar
>body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US
>rugby sevens side by 2005.
>7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
>they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there
>is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The
>Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "shit".
>8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new
>national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive
>9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
>own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
>10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
>Thank you for your cooperation.
>Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

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